new blog site

Hi All

I am moving my blog to a safe, but less fancy venue. I should be able to access it in China. The address is www.sutherlandwatt.ca/china The username and password are the same and are on my facebook profile page just under my profile picture. If you are not a facebook friend email me and I'll give you the password. I'll be sending out an email to family and friends probably tomorrow anyway.

It takes a very long time to load up the first time you go, but after that, it loads quickly, so just be patient the first time. Please let me know if any problems so I can have our computer tech fix things before we leave.

Update

Just a few lines before I head off to bed. This heat is getting to me! It's China hot here right now!

We got an update tonight. Seth and his friends are out watering trees in these pictures. It is good to see him without all of those layers so I can get a better idea of how big he is.

One month from now he'll be officially ours.

Slow and steady wins the race

Sometimes life feels like a ride at the fair. Well, it does for me anyway. It goes faster and faster and faster. Sometimes it feels like I'm riding with a drunk driver and any moment the car will spin out of control and crash. I think I crashed a bit this week after the whirlwind of events earlier in the week.

Everything is booked. The plane tickets are booked and paid for. Our paperwork is in Ottawa for our Visa. Arrangements have been made for Maya. I know the next few weeks will just fly by. I have a whole white board at work filled with all of the projects and jobs I am working on or are due during the fall. Most clients have been emailed (well the ones that have to know in the next few months anyway). Arrangements are being made for me to be away from work for 2 months straight. I am worried about putting too much on my partner. My clients are pretty great overall, so hopefully everyone will understand. No deadlines will be missed at least since all of the work I have in now is not due until the end of December, so that is good. I had to put aside the notion that everything in currently would be done before I go - just not going to happen. But for myself and my family, I have to set work aside for a while.

The same goes for home. The house is a mess and I just don't care anymore. As long as I can find my bed at night , that is all that matters. I guess I finally came to the realization that I really can't do everything, so I'm not going to try. I'm writing all of this down so that I remember these facts. The blog might seem like one more thing to add on to my list, but really, it is great therapy for me to get these thoughts out of my head and down on paper. They seem to not rumble around in there so much after I get it all out.

Today I got Seth enrolled in daycare 3 days per week. That is all arranged now and he can start whenever we are ready. His spot is there from September 1. My two oldest friends took care of me today. Laura had boxes full of hand me downs that she had gotten from friends. She has a little boy just 2 months older than Seth. She said she had more than she needed so I could come and take what I wanted. We sat down and her and my friend Natalie basically put together 8 or so outfits for our trip. We bagged them up in ziplocks and added in a sweater in case he is cold in the hotel and a couple of pairs of jammies. Voila - excpet to add underwear and socks, Seth's clothes are all packed! Thank you a million times. One less thing in my head to think about. And thanks Jocelyn for the ziplock idea. An outfit in each - no thoughts, no decisions, just pull out an outfit. I'm doing it for my clothes too.

I am going to bed - I have not been feeling great. I hope it is stress and not that I'm coming down with something!

The last 36 hours

What a ride! Wow. Since we were so late in joining this travel group, everything has happened super fast for us. Only yesterday did we find out that we could travel in September. Yesterday afternoon and today has been spent filling out Visa applications, almost changing my mind about leaving Maya home, and then changing it back, getting pictures taken for the Visa applications, bookking travel arrangements and finally deciding on the full legal name for Seth.

Then, I had a meeting with my business partner to do some planning for the fall and winter.

Whew!! I am zonked!

Then, out of the blue we got a call from a contractor that we had booked back in May to do work to the front veranda of our house. He can start tomorrow! Then our designer called and I am meeting her tomorrow night to make the final decisions on the bathroom. They will start some of the work while we are away (painting and grout work that can dry while we are away). Boy can this undecisive woman now make decisions! Just don't even think of asking me what I want for dinner! I'm just accepting what the universe is giving me and being grateful for credit. :)

I feel like a flood gate has opened and everything we have been trying to get accomplished for the last 3 years is all happening at once! Well, actually that is exactly what is going on.

We decided to leave for China a day earlier than necessary to have two nights and one full day in Bejing before Gotcha day. Time to catch our breath, adjust to the time a bit, and just be a couple for a few hours. Maybe have a nice dinner or even just go for swim in the pool and maybe do some shopping near by. For the trip home, we decided to fly straight through, even though it means that we will arrive at 2am on the way back. Our clocks will be messed up anyway, so it won't matter much to us, only to whoever has to meet us at the airport.

My new blog site is almost ready and I'll let everyone know before I make the switch.

Now, off to call my new friend in PEI who we are travelling with in September!

LOA!!!!

Today we got our LOA (letter of seeking confirmation) that says we are definitely going ahead with the adoption of Xiao Yu (Seth). Things are happening at a dizzying pace! Did I not say the other day that things just happen in my life and I have to learn to go with it? Well, here is another example. We are leaving September 11 or 12 for China! A month or two before we had planned. We are a bit nervous about receiving the last of the paperwork before we leave (which is an important document we need on adoption day) but are assured by our agency that all will be handled and they will ensure we have it on our day. I guess that I just go with that! I have spent the last 8 hours learning about everything that has to be done before we leave. More paperwork - we need to apply for our Chinese visa and book our flights. I looked on Air Canada and the flights are less than I thought, so that was a nice surprise. We have 2 friends who work on the Toronto/ Beijing flights and are hoping to have a least one of them on our flight either way. We'll be booking things tomorrow. I can't believe how fast it is happening!

I am having guilt pangs about leaving Maya here. I know it is the easy solution and the safest one for her. It is not an easy trip, and if Seth does not adjust, won't be much fun for her. However, if things go smooth, it would have been a wonderful experience for her. This is perhaps the most difficult decision that we have had to make so far, and I am still so conflicted. However my gut is telling me that, for us, we would be better off leaving her here and so I guess that is what I have to do, as difficult as that may be. I'm not a risk taker, and with the Swine flu issue still a scary one, especially when it comes to China quarantine, I just can't make myself take the chance. Sometimes I wish I were a stronger person and could take more risks. I hope she adjusts with this decision. I do know plenty of other families that have made this same choice and it did not seem to effect them long term. I guess my whole reason for the guilt is Maya's extreme love of China. That is one thing that I think we did right in trying to instill a sense of pride and love of her homeland, for she does with all her heart and has wanted to go to China since the time that she could talk. *sigh*

Still Waiting

Still no word on our letter of seeking confirmation. We are on day 27 from submitting our letter of intent to adopt Xiao Yu. The average is about 30 days. My friend waited 40 days. So hopefully we'll hear something in the next week or so. Then we can start making preparations for the travel.

I think I must be crazy. I finally found someone to do the work on my bathroom after needing it updated for a couple of years. They are starting in September. Like I needed more decisions and life upheaval right now! Anyway, I am excited about it. Friends of ours are agents for plumbing fixtures and heating suppliers, so they had lots of ideas and can get me some good deals. One of my clients does some interior design work and her husband is a handyman. They are going to help me with the design and do most of the work. For me, things either happen or they don't, and I have learned to just go with it when it does, and not question it. It happened that way when we bought our house and went through the adoption with Maya. It happened that way whenever I have bought a car. Anything major just happens, and no matter how hard I fight to have things happen at a different time or if I try to make a choice that is not good, I meet up with so many obstacles that it just does not happen. It kind of makes it easier to realize how things work in your life, then you can just go with it. Now I just have to work on not getting so stressed about things!

Things that scare me

In between all of the moments that I am excited about getting Seth, fear creeps in now and then. I've heard some scary stories about the adoption trip over the past few months. One was the family that got quarantined due to the swine flu with their bio 3 children and one mother. 5 were quarantined in the designated Chinese quarantine hotels, and one, the Dad, testing positive for the swine flu, was sent to a Chinese hospital. A good time was not had by all, and they were held there for 7 days. It does not seem like a long time, but I can totally understand that it would feel like forever. This was the thing that helped me make up my mind to leave Maya home - safe, in Halifax with people that I trust. Better that than taking the chance of her in a Chinese hospital, possibly sick and having no control over her care.

Today I heard of a couple that adopted a 4 1/2 year old girl in mid July. The US has put in a rule that any child testing positive for TB is not allowed back in the US. Apparently this child was tested before the family traveled for her, but they were not told that she tested positive. now they are in the terrible position of having gone through the Chinese adoption, have a child and are not allowed to bring her home to the US. A nightmare indeed given the amount of time it takes for the medication to work. They may have to be there for months. With another child at home, and jobs they have to return to, what in the world do you do?

Scary stuff. Although, there is nothing easy about giving birth no matter which way you do it. I did not realize it, but a few women per year still die in childbirth here at the IWK hospital in Halifax- one of the best in Canada. One of my client's daughters was almost a statistic this past spring. Having children is not for the faint of heart!

However, what does not break us, makes us stronger. So, I'll concentrate on being excited now that I've vented my fearful thoughts!

There is nothing easy about this process

And it is very true. But so worth it in the end and that is what you have to focus on.

I am having a harder time with the wait this time. With Maya, I had no idea was it was to be a mom, and frankly was scared to death. I'm nervous this time for other reasons, but it is so different. I now know what it means to be a mom and somehow it opens your heart. when I look at Seth's picture sometimes I just cry because I want him here so badly. I feel a connection to him that I did not understand when we went through this the first time.

I cried a little in the store today trying to pick out the perfect outfit for a care package I am putting together to send over as soon as we get the next piece of paperwork signed. Is he a 2 or a 3? Does he take a bigger shirt and smaller pants like Maya, or all the same size? How much does he weigh now? how big are his feet? These are all questions that a mom should know about her child, but yet I don't. I will soon, but not yet. He probably does not even know that he has a family waiting for him yet. He has no idea how much he is loved yet, or how we talk about him every day in every thing that we do.

Each stage of the process brings out a new emotion. Nope, nothing is easy about this process. You just keep dreaming of the day you will meet. With Maya, there was a long adjustment time after the adoption, but there was no doubt from day one that she was meant to be our daughter. The same goes with Seth.

He was born on my grandfather's birthday. Three days after he was born, we were announcing to our parents that we had decided to go back to China to adopt another child. Little did we know that our son had just been born. Yep, it is quite the process.

Our little man

This is my attempt to try to add a picture to this site. I will be switching to my own website once it is set up by my computer tech at work. China blocks the blogger.com site for some reason, so I am setting up my own blog site at my business domain to blog while in China.

Anyway, I feel the need to write and vent and share along this journey, with the hopes to let family and friends have a glimpse of the joys, heartaches and complications of the adoption journey.

Here is our little man. In my very primitive understanding of the Chinese language, his name Xiao Yu, means - Little (Xiao), and Yu has several meanings depending on the chinese script. I am looking into it with a couple of Chinese friends to figure it out. Yu can mean jade or happy or rain. I also thought that it meant beautiful, but I may be a bit confused about that. Maya's name Xin Yu means beautiful rainstorm. His biography describes him as being a handsome and beautiful boy , energetic and having a quick smile.

Looking forward to the end of obstacles

Crrently we have been waiting 22 days for Letter of Seeking Confirmation, which is the letter that will confirm our desire to adopt Xiao Yu. It can't come too soon for me. Just last month, as we celebrated the anniversary of Maya's Gotcha day, Paul and I were talking about how fast the last 4 years went with Maya. Well, the last 3 weeks seem like months to me. It is hard to believe that we only got referral 3 weeks ago. It seems like forever. Time is a funny thing.

Someone told me last fall, that astrologically we were coming to the end of a period of time when things just were not happening easily. A time when it seemed to take forever for resolution, and it is a wonder that anything on earth could possibly get accomplished. they told me that as the shift in aligment of planets and stars slowly start taking place in the coming months (spring), that things will really start to happen. Projects will start being resolved quickly and people will start making progress in areas that seem to have been stalled for a few years. As I look back over the last 2 years, I see that this is completely true in my life. October 2006 we began this adoption journey, and now I hope I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes it seemed like it was not going to happen, and now I can look into the face of the beautiful little boy that will be my son. I just hope that the end of the journey is close, and do worry with the Swine Flu situation, that things will be delayed. Some days I feel like I am holding my breath until we are home from China.

I ran a long distance race once, and I feel kind of like I did coming up to the home stretch. My mistake was not knowing the route before I ran the race. I paced myself and was doing great all the way through. I was passing so many runners, I knew I was doing great. Then, I started to fatigue. I had no idea how close I was to the finish line. I lost steam and started slowing down. I just could not do it anymore. people started passing me. 5 people I counted passed me. then, there it was, the finish line just up the hill. I got my adrenaline boost and ran as fast as I could, but I had not much energy left. I passed a few people, and came in 9th. I wonder what would have happened, had I known where that finish line was. Maybe if I knew, I could have hung in a little longer. Sometimes this adoption journey feels a little like that race.

At the same time as this adoption journey, I have spent the last couple of years running in circles in a conflict with my business partners that was very stressful. Dealing with people that say one thing and do another, and that say things they think you want to hear without any plan to follow through on their promises is a very stressful thing to go through. Finally, at the beginning of 2009 the partnership ended , and a new one began with the one partner that actually did have my same vision. There has been a lot of conflict and deception in trying to unravel the old partnership, and now, that too is coming to an end (I hope). The good news is that the new partnership is going great, with a lot of new clients coming on this winter and summer. we just hired a new CA that will start in October. Already we have more staff (and quality staff) in a partnership of 2 partners than we did with a partnership of 4. It feels very right and I no longer feel "stuck".

The other thing that has been slow in coming is the renovations to the house. I have had a bathroom reno (and kitchen) in mind for a few years now, and have finally found someone to do the work, and a friend that works in the plumbing business ready to order me the fixtures I want at a discount. That bathroom project is set to start in September. Yes, I know, doing a reno just before adoption travel is not the greatest, but I need to have that done before we arrive home with a new little one that will need lots of structure and minimal disruptions to routine.

Three big events to be resolved over the coming months. I can't say what a relief it will be to have it all behind me. I guess it is no wonder that I am so totally drained. The last few years have taken a toll, that is for sure. Along with dealing with stress of a family member with Alzeimers, and just dealing with all of the business of having a young child and a home to take care of, it sometimes is very overwhelming. I just long for a normal life for a while, without any big, life changing happenings for just a little while, is all I ask.

I sometimes feel badly that we don't spend enough time with friends and family, but I hope people understand how jam packed every minute of every day is for me right now, and how occupied my head space is.

Just getting started

I'm testing this out to see how everything works. I'm new to the blogging world, but want to be up to date on how everything works before we leave for China!